1/27/2010

What Do You Want?

Ask yourself - what do you want?

Now dig a little deeper, and ask yourself - What do you REALLY want?

I have been attending a bible study course with a friend. We are reading the book Invitation to the Jesus Life by Jan Johnson. For week two, we read chapter 10 - Purposeful Intentionality. The chapter talks about cultivating singleness of heart and being purposefully intentional in trying to connect with God on a deeper level. In this the book and the accompanying study material we are asked to take a step back and ask ourselves what Jesus would ask --- What is it You Want?

Most people have no clue what they really want. Of course they might start off with a list of fun things like "to win the lottery" or "to go on a fabulous vacation" or "get a better job/house/car/whatever". Others might think for a moment, and answer with what they think God wants to hear or what others might think is the "right answer".

Most people don't realize that the true answer to this question is buried so deep in their subconscious that they're sort of on auto-pilot and are completely unaware that what they really want drives their behaviors, thoughts and attitudes.

We were asked to dig deep deep down inside and reflect on this over a week's time. What do I really want? What do I want to want? When I'm dead and gone, what do I hope to have accomplished, how will I have benefited those around me or how will I hope to be remembered? What am I willing to sacrifice to achieve what I really want? What stumbling blocks do I place in my way or unnecessary things do I do that I can give up in order to pursue what I want? What does God want for me?

What do I want? - This is a huge question. Our entire group struggled with this section of the book and this exercise. I was glad that I wasn't the only one who experienced a bit of anxiety, uncertainty, and discomfort while reflecting and working on this section. When you dig very deep into yourself and get really real with yourself you may be surprised at some of the revelations about who you are, why you are as you are, and what you really want.

I am still working on this and it may be a process that evolves over time for me....but one thing popped out at me - that I am self oriented or self centered. Maybe this comes from being in a marriage for 15 years where I was always alone physically/emotionally, and also from being childless until age 42. Basically I've been self reliant, and in self-preservation mode, and had solitude for so long that I have become selfish. Selfish not really in the malicious sense, but I think I'm just programmed to consider myself first. I've been "my only one" for so long....

This needs to change...Now. As I learn and grow in my new marriage, and as a new parent, and in my spiritual life, I know that what I really want is to be more selfless, put others first, and be more connected to God...do as he would want me to do.

Have you ever asked yourself what it is that you really want?

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